I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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