are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize