I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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