please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
