He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize