Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
