we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Randomize
