i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
