you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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