I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
