My underwear smells like fireworks.
nutella sex= disaster
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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