If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
