i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
