actually, I'm a sock model
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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