Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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