textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
