Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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