woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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