My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
