i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
