we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize