Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
