Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Randomize
