oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
