she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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