Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
