She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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