dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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