He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
