I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
