if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
