I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize