The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
