i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
