I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
