I want you more than these girls want KFC
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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