dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
