I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
