I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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