if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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