R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
