Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize