So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
