When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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