I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
