No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
