i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
