i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
my shit smells like andre
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
