I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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