Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
