Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
