Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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