a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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