Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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