I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
