what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
