Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
