You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
