woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
